Well Work

Psalm 139:23-24
Search me O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

In October of 1997 when God woke me up (spiritually and physically!!) I began to crave His word like never before. I could not get enough of it. Those quick little non-convicting, sugar coated devotionals just weren't enough. Oddly enough, as I took those steps to go a little deeper, I found that I was VERY uncomfortable when I spent time in the Word and I was even more uncomfortable when I heard the Christians around me talk about their walk and journey with the Lord. I didn't tell anyone what I was feeling, I was afraid they would think less of me, judge me. After all, I was a pastor's daughter, I knew ALL the right answers. Right??? My head knew all the right answers and yes, my heart knew the right answers.

I picture my spiritual heart like a well in the core of my being. During that two year time, I depleted that well. For 22 years, my well had been filled on a regular basis, but for two years, I just used what I had in reserve. I was filling it up all right, but it wasn't replenished with the Living water, the Word ~ Jesus. It was filled with all sorts of hurt, bitterness, anger, unforgiveness.....you get the idea. A whole lot of unholy junk. I woke up in the middle of a Water crisis! A drought, better yet, the desert!

God placed us in a church where carnal Christianity wasn't tolerated. No sugar coating here. Do you know how uncomfortable I was? Some Sundays I felt like I needed to go home and shine my shoes because that Pastor had just stepped all over my toes. At first, I had these thoughts during his sermons, "What about the love, or the Bible says not to judge....." Boy, was I wrong. He was saying exactly what God told Him to say, I just didn't want to hear it.

One Sunday He was quite frank about the big "S" word. S.I.N. and our need for daily confession of sin. I sat up a little straighter as God began to peel layer after layer off of my heart to show me why I was so uncomfortable. I was under conviction. Plain and simple, I was running from in depth Bible Study, small group fellowship, and prayer because I was under conviction.

My well was full of unconfessed sin. Somewhere I knew that I had to empty it out and ask God to fill and consume every crevice of my well. I did what my mentor told me to do. I waited until Chad went out of town again, then I grabbed a legal pad, a pen and my Bible. I read Psalm 139, several passages out of Proverbs and then I prayed. "God I want to feel forgiven. I want to be clean before you. Show me what I need to confess." Honestly, I thought I might have one or two things three at the most. Ha! Ha! Ha!

A couple of pages later literally, the thoughts stopped. I sat there for a few minutes overwhelmed. Then I heard Him say, "I want you to speak it". I was to go down that list and say OUT LOUD "Please forgive me for......." Hellooooooo!! It felt a little awkward at first and then I got it. As I spoke these things out loud, the power they had over my life seemed to fade. It was as if I could feel the Lord pumping that junk out of my well.

It was one of the most intimate and sacred times of my life. Our God is so powerful. After that my prayer life became more like a conversation with God, not just me asking for the things I wanted. It's amazing what listening will do for a relationship. He still had a LOT of heart work to do, and until I get to glory, He'll be working on me. I am completely okay with that. His work, His ways, His plan is so much better than the carnal activity I had filled my well with.

(And by the way....it was roughly 2 weeks after this point in my life that I found out I was pregnant.....this time though, God gave us Chloe....)

Whether you intend to or not, you ARE filling your spiritual well, even now. The question is what are you filling it with. Can I encourage you to ask God to show you if there unconfessed sin in your life? I promise, the freedom that comes after confession is so much better than the "freedom" you think you have right now.